Campus Wellness: How to Navigate Grief
By Jessica Beans, Kettering College Associate Dean of Enrollment and Communication
Grief.
This word carries so much.
Some are scared to go there to talk about it.
Some carry it every day. It’s heavy. It’s constant. And even if some carry it well, it is still a heavy burden all the same. Some talk about it. Others hold it close or stuff it down. Each holds it differently, and each its own unique journey. A journey that no one wanted to go on.
My dad died of cancer 4 years ago.
My mother-in-law died in a car accident this year.
Other heavy burdens that I don’t want to share here, I carry every day.
Grief.
You’ve most likely heard of the 5 stages of grief before: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is the one who first introduced these five stages of grief and this work largely defines the experiences of most going through grief after loss. In the book, On Grief & Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, it is explained that stages will probably not be linear, they may be repeated, they may be messy or chaotic and experienced differently, but overall even though the research has grown around it and been added to over the years, most experience these 5 stages at some point while going through grief in various ways.
However, one lesser-discussed aspect of this research is that Dr. Kübler-Ross implied that these stages can apply to changes in life too. We typically celebrate change in our society as if it’s almost always exciting. A new job, graduation, your first apartment, getting married, moving – all sound exciting, and they are! But there is some small bit of loss in every change as well. To say hello to something new, we still have to say goodbye to what was. Therefore, Kübler-Ross’s research states that one may go through these 5 stages, even for good and necessary changes in life too.
So, whether you’re grieving a death and a complete life tragedy or a change that you know you should be excited about but aren’t sure why you’re still feeling a sense of loss … welcome to the human experience. None of us can run from it.
There’s research and neuroscience and self-help books and podcasts, and information galore about the science of grief, its effects, ways to make it through, etc. Much is very helpful, and I encourage you to dive in (I listed a few of my favorites at the bottom). However, I am not here to get into that research today. I am here to share my personal experience and hope this can bring a little bit of hope for you if you happen to find yourself wading through grief yourself.
Tips to Help Navigate Grief:
Be kind to yourself. A friend reached out to me right after my dad died and told me something I will never forget. Her dad had died suddenly too a few years earlier and she said, “Be kind to yourself.” She explained that the world will make no sense for a while and you might feel a ton of shame and guilt for all the things you could/should be doing and how you should/could be handling things and how you could/should be more productive.
She said the world might go on around you and you might feel stuck, like you’re standing still, like you’re a stranger to yourself and who you used to be. She explained how your brain is being rewired in the wake of loss and working overtime to find ways to handle this. In all of this, though, she told me, “Let your brain and body do their job – to grieve – and give yourself permission, empathy, and space to do this work.” The only way to heal is to go through it while giving yourself so much grace along the way.
Ask for help, truly. Do the hard thing. Reach out. Find the energy you need to find a therapist. For all Kettering College students, we offer U Will, a free resource to receive counseling and any support you might need. Ask for help. Find the courage to be vulnerable with a trusted friend as a good place to start. We cannot go it alone, so ask for help along the way. Connect with people, even when you don’t feel like it, keep that connection as a lifeline. Connection and honest conversation are great medicine for the hurts we are all carrying.
Find the joy. Grief and joy can coexist. These feelings can both be present, sometimes on the same day, the same hour, the same moment. Find the joy in any way you can— a new hobby, a good book, a beautiful view, playing with a pet, a quiet morning over a good cup of coffee, a conversation with a friend, etc. Even in the small things, let yourself fully feel joy and acknowledge it in the movement. The grief might be there too, but these two very different experiences can be felt together.
I have found my grief has enhanced and deepened my joy, my gratitude, and my perspective. So as you walk on this journey with grief as a companion, make sure to invite joy to walk alongside you, too, because they can both be found.
Resources I Love:
I’ll say it again— a good therapist, trusted friend or conversation with a mentor is my first recommended resource. Talking it out with safe people is always a good place to start. Here are some additional books and podcasts that I have appreciated:
- On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler – This book emphasizes an important addition to the five stages of grief: finding meaning. Kübler-Ross demystifies the process of grieving and provides valuable insight into coping with loss, whether it’s your own grief or someone else’s.
- A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis – A friend sent this to me, and it was comforting to experience Lewis’s own grief journey while going through my own.
- Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown – Understanding and naming what we’re actually feeling is an essential tool for any personal and self-work. This book is a roadmap with definitions to help identify and name—and then tame—what we are feeling. Honestly, any book by Brené Brown could be helpful in growth and development, so take a listen to her podcast or pick up any of her books.
- The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer – In a busy, busy world when all is bustling around us, this helps us slow down and be less chaotic. It helps us be present with ourselves, which is an essential tool to combat the numbing that can come with grief.
- How We Feel app by Marc Brackett, Ph.D. – Brackett, the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, created this emotional intelligence tool to help us map how we’re feeling. It allows us to track our emotions and use that data to better understand the seasons we’re in and what to do with those emotions.
About Kettering College
Kettering College is a fully accredited, faith-based healthcare college in a suburb of Dayton, Ohio, offering career-focused medical degrees through traditional and accelerated programs. A division of Kettering Health, Kettering College is located on the Kettering Health Main Campus and is chartered by the Seventh-day Adventist Church.